Chapter 5: Kirika Nishizawa Shuts Herself Away

I don’t know. What day it is today, or even what time it is.

I haven’t opened the curtains in a while. I barely touch my phone, and the notifications got so annoying that I turned it off.

Even so… family is still family. Morning, noon, and night, food is left outside my door. Not just Mom and Dad, but Onee-chan… and Eiji, too, have been coming by.

It’s not just the food. Every day, Eiji, Onee-chan, their mom and dad… even my own parents, who are supposed to be busy with work, check in on me. But I don’t know what to say, so I just curl up in the corner of my room.

I haven’t used my bed lately either. When I sleep, I see that day in my dreams.

Those dreams make me feel sick, make me want to throw up. My stomach aches, and I want to hit myself.

I want to see Eiji.

I’ve thought it hundreds of times a day.

I want to see Eiji.

I want to touch Eiji.

I want to talk to Eiji.

I want to see Eiji’s smile.

I crush those feelings down and grit my teeth.

Shutting myself away is for the best. A few days might be one thing, but if this goes on for a week, two weeks, a month, two months… even Eiji, who’s worried about me now, will surely forget me.

I should’ve done this from the start. If I don’t… kind Eiji will try to help me. He’ll try to protect me.

Once Eiji forgets about me… then I can leave my room. I just need to get used to being alone. Eiji has tons of friends at school. Without me around, he’ll probably find a girlfriend in no time.

I hope it’s not Araya-san, but… even she’s far prettier than me. I’m in no position to judge.

Onee-chan has lots of friends too, so she’ll be fine.

I think about this while curled up in the corner of my room. …How many times have I gone over this?

I tell myself this is the right thing. Over and over, the whole time I’m awake.

When sleepiness hits, I give in, closing my eyes while still curled up. I don’t sleep for long each time, but I’ve lost track of time, so I don’t know.

In this dark room, my consciousness drifts between waking and sleeping, and gradually, it feels like my body isn’t mine anymore.

Eventually, I can’t take it anymore and lie down on the floor, still curled up. If I let go of my consciousness——I dream.

It’s a dream. A painfully vivid dream.

The content is simple. Memories of the times I used to spend at Eiji’s house.

Sitting on the sofa with Eiji, just listening to him talk. About where he went with his friends, what happened. How he got a good score in bowling. How he nailed a song at karaoke. How this manga was great. How that movie was awesome.

And then Onee-chan would get mad, saying, “Go hang out with Kirika too!” Or, “Let’s all three go out together!”

So we’d make plans to see a movie together——and then I wake up in my dark room. The sound of birds tells me it’s early morning.

My throat’s dry, so I drink from the water bottle beside me, and it seeps into my empty stomach.

“…We didn’t get to see that movie.”

The words slip out unconsciously.

A promise I made with Eiji a while back. We were supposed to go see a movie together, but it never happened.

I shake my head vigorously to push away the lingering regret, but I shake too hard and hit the wall, making a dull thud.

“——Whoa, that was loud! You okay!?”

For a moment, I think I’ve fallen back asleep. But the next words and the pain in my head tell me it’s not a dream.

“Kirika!? You okay!? If you’re fine, say something!”

It’s a voice I hear every day. A voice worried about me.

It makes me happy. And it hurts.

“…I’m fine. Just bumped my head a little.”

My voice, unused for so long, comes out hoarse, like I’m recovering from a cold.

I hear a relieved sigh from the other side of the door. But he doesn’t leave——not yet.

“Kirika, you haven’t been eating, have you? Wanna eat together?”

Hearing that, I realize I didn’t eat last night.

I start to respond but close my mouth. Then he continues.

“Oh, and Kirika, I actually wanted to talk about something today.”

I wonder what it is but don’t reply. I just wish he’d leave soon and curl up tighter in the corner.

“So, I talked to Onee-chan and the others, and they said it’s okay if I skip school today. So… wanna go see a movie? You know, like we talked about before?”

Thump. My groggy heart suddenly pounds hard.

I remember the dream I just had——and the promise I’d been thinking about.

I press my hand to my chest to calm it, but my heart won’t stop. It just beats faster, louder.

And something warm starts to seep into my heart——

“I mean, my grades aren’t that bad, you know? They said one day’s fine, so——”

“Go home.”

——I force the words out, as if crushing my lungs along with my heart.

“You’re bothering me. Just go. Don’t come back.”

I grip my legs tightly. If I don’t, my voice will tremble.

“…”

“…”

Silence fills the room for a moment. I feel nauseous but swallow it down for now.

The warmth that had seeped into my heart dries up rapidly, replaced by something dark and heavy.

“…I’ll come back.”

“Don’t.”

I reply to Eiji’s gentle voice. The presence outside my door fades, and this time, I throw up.

——Oh, I did it.

I know, but the words I spat out can’t be taken back. The fact that I said them can’t be erased. Just like this vomit.

——This will make Eiji hate me. I should’ve done this from the start.

I force myself to believe it. Over and over.

But even as I tell myself this, why won’t the tears stop? Why do they keep coming?

Regret fills my heart, and my emotions swell, spilling out as sobs.

My heart feels torn to pieces. If it’s come to this, I’ll cry as much as I need to. Let it all out.

I’ll end it. My first love.

That’s what I think——but the tears won’t stop. Crying is supposed to make you feel better, but my emotions just keep swelling.

And I remember. The past I saw in my dreams until just now.

Hanging out with Eiji, talking a ton with Onee-chan, hugging her. Sometimes going out, the three of us.

That reality——I can only see it in dreams now.

No. I don’t even deserve to see it in dreams. Not after what I said to him. It’s beyond presumptuous.

And——if I can’t let go, Eiji will come to save me.

All I can do now is pray that Eiji… that he finds happiness.

Please, let a cute, pretty, bright, kind, and strong girl appear before him.

So please, give up already. Me.

——.

ToC

Chapter 6