Chapter 4: Kirika Nishizawa Is Easily Bullied

——Girls’ bullying is insidious. I’ve heard that phrase now and then on the internet or in anime. And from my own experience, I can’t say it’s wrong.

Boys’ bullying tends to be pretty direct, or at least, the sneaky, behind-your-back stuff… wasn’t as common. Not that it never happened, of course. But even so, with girls… for example, it was rare for someone to call you “ugly,” “gloomy,” or “gross” to your face in front of the whole classroom. Instead, they’d talk among themselves in their little cliques, ostracizing you. They’d speak loudly enough for me to hear, but act like they were just chatting with their close friends. That’s how it’s been for me, mostly.

Of course, this is just my experience. It’s possible mine was unique. ——But the bullying I faced this time was, in a way, the same as always.

“What’s with that look? It’s creepy.”

But in this moment, I realized something was different. What was different——was how rare it was for someone to directly, maliciously lay hands on me.

A dry slap. Then the shock.

I stumbled, barely catching myself, but a girl behind me hooked my leg, and I fell onto the tiled floor.

“That’s right. That’s where you belong.”

Looking down at me, Araya-san laughed. …Come to think of it, I’d heard about her. Her older brother was a pretty notorious delinquent at this school, wasn’t he? Maybe that’s why she doesn’t hesitate to get physical.

I placed a hand on my stinging cheek, thinking about that.

“Why…?”

Those were the words that slipped out of my mouth. Why did this have to happen to me? Since starting my second year, I thought I’d been managing pretty well. I made sure not to interact with Eiji too much at school, and I didn’t tag along when he went out with friends. I spent most of my time at his house, but I never told anyone about that. …Not that I had anyone to tell. I didn’t think Eiji would say anything either.

“Because I don’t like you.”

Araya-san’s answer to my question was painfully simple.

“You… don’t like me…?”

I couldn’t help but repeat her words, and Araya-san furrowed her brow, kicking my leg. It hurt more than the slap.

But I genuinely didn’t understand. I’d done my best to avoid Araya-san… I mean, we’d barely even spoken before, probably.

“Because of you, Eiji-kun’s been acting distant. He’s such a bright, central figure in our class, and I can’t stand seeing you next to him.”

——The reason she gave was utterly unfair.

She couldn’t stand the idea of me being near Eiji… even when I wasn’t around, even when she couldn’t see it. That’s what I realized. Because I’d never been next to Eiji in front of Araya-san.

In the end, her reason wasn’t any different from the girls who’d bullied me before. …The only differences were her lack of hesitation in getting physical and the sheer level of unfairness.

“What? That look again?”

——It’s not like I felt despair. My position at school has always been low, and while it hadn’t been this bad, I’d been bullied plenty of times before.

But… the thought of Eiji worrying about me made my chest ache a little.

“——Wanna bet I can guess what you’re thinking? It’s about Eiji-kun, isn’t it?”

Her words made my body flinch.

“Bingo, huh? Let me guess—you’ve always gone to Eiji-kun for help with this kind of thing, and he’s fixed it for you, right?”

“…”

I couldn’t say anything. Because it was true. I’d been planning to talk to Eiji about this too.

Maybe she could read my thoughts, because Araya-san spat on the ground. …On my leg.

“Gross.”

Then she stepped on my leg, grinding the spit into it. The pain made me want to cry out, but I clenched my teeth and endured it.

“Gross, ugh, so gross. Relying on Eiji-kun for everything. Thinking he’ll solve all your problems. You’re seriously disgusting.”

But——while I could grit my teeth and bear the physical pain, I couldn’t block out the pain in my heart.

“All you do is let him protect you without lifting a finger. You’re dragging Eiji-kun down. Don’t you get it? Or what, do you think Eiji-kun actually likes you? Is your head full of flowers or something?”

“…”

“I’m talking to you, and you just sit there silent. Fine, I’ll spell it out for you—Eiji-kun only bothers with you because he’s kind.”

Araya-san smirked, still stepping on my leg. I couldn’t say a word.

“He can’t abandon a creepy, gloomy, ugly loner like you. That’s how kind Eiji-kun is. But you? You cling to him like a kid running to their parents every time something happens. Don’t you think that’s pathetic as a girl?”

——I know. I know Eiji doesn’t see me that way.

But her next words shook me to my core.

“That’s why even someone as kind as Eiji-kun will get fed up with you. You’ve noticed, haven’t you? He’s been ditching you to hang out with others lately. …Heh, maybe he’s already fed up with you?”

I’m not stupid enough to believe every word she said. But I couldn’t deny there was some truth to it.

——Being abandoned.

That was something I’d vaguely feared deep down. Her words dug it up, raw and bleeding, making me wonder if the rest of what she said could be true too.

“Eiji-kun deserves someone popular, someone who belongs in the spotlight. Someone like me.”

And those words——I couldn’t refute them either.

I don’t belong with Eiji.

That’s something I’d always, always believed.

◆◆◆

I don’t really remember how I got home after that. But the bruises on my legs, the scrapes, and the dirt on my clothes suggest it was pretty bad.

I didn’t tell Eiji or the others about it. I wore thick knee-high socks to hide the marks.

And I kept thinking. …That I don’t belong with Eiji.

I stopped going to Eiji’s house. Eiji and his sister came to check on me, looking worried, but when I said it was a personal problem I didn’t want to talk about, they left.

Whether that was the right call or not, Araya-san and the other girls stopped bullying me.

At school, I attended classes. During breaks, I hid in the girls’ bathroom where few people went. After school, I went straight home and locked myself in my room. I’d grab dinner at a convenience store—or skip it altogether.

My parents were busy with work. They checked on me, but didn’t pry too much.

——For the first time, I felt truly alone. But when I thought about all the trouble I’d caused Eiji, I told myself it was only natural.

A few weeks later, I saw Eiji and the others at the school gate after classes. …This wasn’t unusual. I often saw him waiting for friends from other classes. They’d probably go hang out afterward.

But that day——it was just Eiji and one other girl.

Next to him was Shizuko Araya-san. …One of the girls who’d bullied me weeks ago.

“Hey, c’mon, it’ll be fun! Let’s go hang out, just the two of us!”

“No way. Get off me. I’ve got stuff to do…”

Eiji and Araya-san’s dynamic seemed different from before. Araya-san was standing closer to him. She tried to grab his arm, and he pushed her away.

…No, I don’t know. I couldn’t tell if he was genuinely annoyed or not. I didn’t know anymore.

As I passed by, our eyes met.

“Oh, Kirika. Today——”

“…”

His words passed through my ears without registering. I quickened my pace and walked past him.

“Hey, Kirika——”

“Oops, did Eiji-kun just get ignored? Guess I’ll have to cheer you up instead!”

“I said get off me. Kiri——”

I covered my ears and left.

For the first time——for the first time, I ignored Eiji.

That fact pierced my heart like a barbed thorn. Every time I recalled the scene, the pain festered, like pus oozing from a wound.

I hurried home, just like a few weeks ago. I don’t remember the journey.

At home, I washed my hands. I gargled. My face was a mess, so I washed it too.

Then I looked up——and my vision blurred.

In that blurry vision was a mirror. And in that mirror was my face.

Seeing Araya-san today made me realize something. …She was trying to catch Eiji’s attention too.

Makeup and accessories are banned at school, of course. But… I could tell she was wearing subtle makeup. And compared to a few weeks ago, her skin and hair looked prettier, and even her figure seemed better.

I don’t think she’s the right person for Eiji.

I don’t think that, but.

——I’ve never worn makeup, I know nothing about fashion trends or beauty, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine competing with her as a “girl in love,” as a “woman.”

——.

ToC

Chapter 5